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The Power of Friendship in Marriage
By Steve Duncan
MSU Extension Family and Human Development Specialist

According to a book summarizing 25 years of research, friendship is at the core of a successful marriage.

Successful couples "know each other intimately - they are well versed in each other's likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams," says John Gottman, a leading marriage researcher and author of the new book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (published by Crown). In addition, successful couples "have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness" daily in many ways, large and small. They have "a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company."

According to Gottman, the quality of a couple's friendship is also the most important predictor of satisfaction with sex, romance and passion in their marriages.

Gottman says friendship in marriage has three components:

• Love maps. These maps are "that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner." It involves really knowing your partner's "inner psychological world." Successful couples have considerable data in this information bank and continue to add to it through interacting with and tuning in to their partner.
• A fondness and admiration system. This is a collection of ways to show respect and affection to our partner. It is the antidote of criticism and contempt in a relationship. Successful couples find ways to accentuate the positive aspects of their partner. The positives far outweigh the negatives.
• Turning toward or turning away. Couples have ways of bidding for one another's attention. These bids may be answered positively or responded to with disinterest. For instance, when a partner begins to share how their day went, successful couples are attentive and do other things that show they are tuning in. In Gottman's lab studies, successful couples delivered 70 bids in 10 minutes, while troubled couples delivered only seven--a symptom that suggests couples have been ignoring, or turning away from, each other's bids in the past.

How did you do? If you answered "true" to more than half of the items, this is an area of strength in your marriage. You know what makes your partner "tick." If you didn't do so well, plan now to get to know your partner better and become better friends. Like anything else, it takes planning and a high priority to make it happen.

Here are some activities for building friendship, courtesy of the book Fighting For Your Marriage, by Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg. Plan a quiet, uninterrupted time. Take turns picking topics that are of interest to you. Consider some of the following topics: Some aspect of your family of origin; personal goals, dreams or aspirations; a recent book or movie (pretend you're movie critics); current events, such as sports or politics.

Pretend to be your favorite TV interviewers and interview your partner about his or her life story. Interviewers use good questions and listen intently as they try to draw out their guests. Try to draw one another out in sharing together as friends.
 
 

Health Care Program Shifts to Helping People of All Sizes to be Healthy

Pat Lyons, RN, MA, assisted Kaiser Permanent in California in redirecting their weight paradigm to promoting how to make people of all sizes healthy, instead of promoting thinness for all. The shift of education and treatment was to emphasize the concept of health rather than just weight loss.  Educators within that system were encouraged to help people focus on overall health improvement as the measure of success rather than just weight.  Increasing activity, eating a variety of tasty foods, learning to separate body size and self worth, and participating in education and support groups that help long-term behavior change were encouraged.  Lyons also outlined a public health campaign that would aim efforts at creating a supportive community, such as: 1) taking actions to reduce the social stigma of overweight in the community and with health professionals; 2) creating public policy that would guarantee health insurance would not be denied because of weight; 3) requiring diet companies to report client outcomes; 4) creating safe exercising environments; 5) training people of all sizes and ages to lead active lives; 6) developing strong support networks to help develop esteem and connectedness; 7) easy access to healthy foods, especially fresh fruits and vegetables from stores, farmers market, and community gardens; and 8) ensuring that people, especially with low income, have prevention and health promotion opportunities as well as increasing access to fresh fruits and vegetables.

Reference:
Lyons, P. (1997). Do no harm: focus on health, not weight loss. Healthy Weight Journal, September/October 1997, 87-88.
 
 
  
 

Fathers are largely absent from prime time television. When they are shown, they are usually portrayed as incompetent or uninvolved, says a study conducted by the National Fatherhood Initiative released last week.

The study found that only 15 of 102 shows featured fathers as regular, central characters. Only four of the 15 shows had positive characterizations of fathers, where they made family a priority and were actively engaged in their children's lives.

Does this portrayal accurately represent Montana fathers? I think not. Still, it's a good idea for us fathers to occasionally ask ourselves how we are doing as dads. Are we playing a central role in the family? Are we both present and involved?

Father involvement makes a real difference. Whether the outcome is intellectual development, sex-role development, or psychological development, kids do better when their relationship with Dad is close and warm, regardless of whether Dad lives with them.

Here are some findings about the unique role fathers can play in a child's life:

•  Children form attachments to fathers as well as mothers - from age 7-13 months old. By 15 months, a greater percentage of children respond with "Daddy" when shown father's picture as mother's picture.
• Fathers are often seen as playmates. Play is a more prominent part of father-child relations than mother-child relations. Fathers are more likely to initiate rough and tumble play. Mothers play more traditional games (peek-a-boo) and engage in more teaching.
• Children prefer Dad as a play partner, but more often go to Mom in stressful situations.
• Fathers are as capable as mothers of caretaking, demonstrating competence and being sensitive to a child's needs. Fathers, like mothers, pick up on the meaning of an infant's cry and react appropriately. Fathers are actually better at keeping a baby's attention. Caregiving differences between mothers and fathers are believed to be due to training and experience, not to any innate qualities mothers have over fathers.
• Children whose fathers are actively involved with them during the first eight weeks of life manage stress better during school.
• Premature infants whose fathers spend more time playing with them are mentally more adjusted at age 3, regardless of whether their father resides in the same house.
• Sons of nurturing fathers are more likely to model their fathers and internalize their modes of thinking and problem solving.
• A close and warm relationship with Dad fosters a daughter's sense of competence, especially in math and a secure sense of femininity.
• The economic support of the family, often provided mostly by the father's income in two-parent families, contributes to the rearing and emotional health of their children. Fathers play a major role in preparing children for life outside the family. Father's level of education and success on the job is linked with children's intellectual abilities. Fathers' emotional support of others involved in direct care (i.e. Mom) influences the children's well being.
• Children of highly involved fathers show increased cognitive competence, empathy and  motivation to succeed. They show enhanced school performance, social development and self-esteem, and less sex-stereotyped beliefs, stronger sexual identity and character, and a belief that they have power to direct their lives toward their goals.
• Children of highly involved fathers have fewer psychological and behavioral problems, are less likely to become delinquent, and are less likely to use drugs. Children who receive advice and help from parents, especially from Dad, are likely never to use drugs.
• In two-parent families, father involvement also positively influences marriages. Mothers are happier and treat their children better.
• Fathers, also, benefit personally from their involvement. Men's sense of personal happiness and satisfaction is more strongly linked to their family roles than their work roles. Men who do not put "all their self-concept eggs in one basket," and who invest in children, have better overall health and less psychological distress. And, contrary to expectation, involved fathers can actually have greater job success. For instance, in one four-decade study, involved fathers were more likely to advance in their occupations.

By Steve Duncan
MSU Extension Family and Human Development Specialist

Nowadays, most of what we hear reported about young people is negative. From these reports it's easy to conclude that the vast majority of youth are misbehaving, especially those who live in troubled areas.

In contrast, research on youth resilience indicates that about 80 percent of young people living in bad environments do fine, said James Garbarino, director of the Family Life Development Center at Cornell University and a leading authority on at-risk children and youth. He made his remarks at the annual Children, Youth and Families at Risk Conference that I recently
attended in Washington, DC.

Notwithstanding that most young people turn out fine, even those from bad environments, some resilience is not enough because the social environment is so toxic, says Garbarino. Young males are especially vulnerable.

What are some keys for building a solid future for youth? Garbarino offers five of them based on research. His comments are important for young people, parents, youth leaders and communities to consider--all who have an interest in the strength of youth.

Trust in adults. Trust in adults comes in part from being in a social environment that is stable and predictable. Our culture has witnessed a profound decline of trust connected with the breakdown of adult authority, says Garbarino. Adults foster trust in the young through building positive relationships with them, being consistent in living by the values they teach, and enforcing reasonable limits and standards.

A strong sense of identity. Young people need a strong sense of who they are and of the positive things they can contribute to the world. All of us need to be wanted, and youth are no exception. One young man accused of murder Garbarino referred to made a statement that illustrates how intense this need can be: "I'd rather be wanted for murder than not be wanted at all."

A strong sense of "pro-social identity," says Garbarino, arises out of a  sense of competence. Too much attention has been devoted to helping young people "feel good" about themselves.  Even criminals have high self-esteem, Garbarino quipped. What kids need much more is a sense of competence fostered by the accomplishment of worthy goals.

Future orientation. A solid future for youth is built upon a young person's ability to see themselves accomplishing goals in the future, to delay today's gratification for tomorrow's achievements. The experience of trauma in a young person's life can diminish future orientation.  Goals, a sense of purpose, and commitment to ideals help foster a future orientation.

Spiritual reality.  There needs to be open acknowledgement of the spiritual side of life and its protective power in the lives of youth. Research shows that young people with religious involvement are much less likely to participate in risky behaviors. Youth with religious commitments often are connected to principles of character that have a spiritual core, says Garbarino. They are more likely to associate with peers who are similarly committed, thus remain more insulated from situations where positive choices might be sacrificed for negative peer approval. Young people committed to spiritual values see life in a less transitory, disposable light, and assign a greater purpose to human existence. Communities, regardless of religious or political philosophies, can come to an agreement to assert and enforce core values, Garbarino said.

Civic culture. In 1962, 77 percent of Americans agreed with this statement: "I can count on government to do the right thing most of the time." In 1992, this percentage had dropped to 23 percent. Garbarino brands this trend as evidence of a growing "civic cynicism." The danger in this, according to Garbarino, is that Americans believe that their voice doesn't matter, that they are powerless to change the course and direction of policies by which they live. As adults model cynicism, young people pick up on it and join right in.

If we want to change things in society, Garbarino asserts, it must begin with ourselves. He quoted Ghandi who said, "You must be the change you wish to see in the world."

By Steve Duncan
MSU Extension Family and Human Development Specialist

Meeting Challenges in Stepfamilies

If current trends in divorce and remarriage continue, the stepfamily will be America's most common family form in 2010. Thus if you live or have lived in a stepfamily, like me, you have a lot of company!

Like all families, stepfamilies have challenges and strengths. For stepfamilies to become strong, they need to be aware of some of the common challenges they face, and ways to deal with them. Here are three major challenges and remedies, suggested by stepfamily experts.

Developing Our Own Unique Family. In stepfamilies, new relationships, new roles and new traditions need to be developed. Obstacles to a new family identity include a belief in myths about stepfamilies, holding unrealistic expectations, few established guidelines about how a stepfamily should function, feelings of loss, and divided loyalties.

To overcome the obstacles, realize that stepfamilies are good families. They are different from first marriage families, not better, not worse, just different.

Recognize the myths about stepfamilies. One is that stepfamily integration -- and love --occurs quickly. Counteract myths with realities. For instance, allow relationships to develop slowly--don't rush or push. Stepfamily integration can take from 2-5 years. True caring may take years to develop; mutual respect may be a more realistic goal.

While being a stepfamily can be challenging, it can bring positive elements to the family. They include newfound self-confidence as losses and changes are dealt with, new rituals and ways of doing things, more flexibility and creativity, and greater knowledge about relationships.

Combining Two Families and Meeting Everyone's Needs. When two people marry where at least one has been married before, the newly formed family is structurally different and more complex. Obstacles to adjustment include different family histories, emotional attachments preceding the remarriage, husband and wife at different parental stages, children at different
developmental stages, and sexuality.

Among the most frequent professional advice given is to learn to negotiate, compromise and be flexible. A friend of mine remarried, bringing two children from a previous marriage. Her new husband brought his two. Come holiday time there was a debate about whether to serve the green Jell-O or the orange Jell-O. After a lot of heated discussion they realized they could
have both--one at Thanksgiving and one at Christmas.

Family members need to understand that combining two families is stressful, that it is normal to feel some pressure. Be willing to talk to one another about what is happening.

Developing a Solid Marriage. A solid marriage is at the foundation of a successful stepfamily, and this fact is often overlooked, contributing to the greater troubles remarried couples often experience. Potential obstacles to the new relationship include relationships with ex-spouses, the same old bad habits carrying over from a previous marriage (s), denial of conflict, problems with in-laws, immediate parental responsibilities, limited opportunities for privacy and time, intrusion of a non-residential parent, pre-existing parent-child relationships, stepparent-stepchild relationships, and finances.

Stepfamily members need to accept the couple as a primary long-term relationship. Thus, couples can plan time to be alone together, take time to work on problems, if they exist, and be unified in household, child and financial matters. A good idea for remarried couples, indeed all married couples, is to hold regular meetings to discuss their relationship and family life.

The Stepparent's Role. A stepparent can face difficulty fitting into the new family. His/her role is often ill defined and s/he often tries several different roles before finding a "fit." Stepparents often face limited social support and myths about stepparents (the "wicked" stepmother) as they strive to find a place that is comfortable for them and the family members.

If you are a stepparent, don't attempt to replace the absent parent. Instead, with your spouse, decide together the best way for you to be involved in the family. In my family, my stepfather played the role of a friend who shared his skills of tennis and woodworking.

Stepparents should create realistic expectations for themselves. Don't expect instant love from the stepchildren. Remarried couples need to make stepparent-stepchild one-on-one time as well as parent-child one-on-one time. I spent lots of time with Pete on the tennis court as a teen.

Want to succeed as a stepfamily? Perhaps the best source for resources is the Stepfamily Association of America. Contact them at (800) 735-0329, or visit their website www.stepfam.org. My website www.montana.edu/wwwhd/index.html also has additional information on challenges, remedies and stepfamily strengths.

By Steve Duncan
MSU Extension Family and Human Development Specialist

Remarried Families: Making Financial Decisions
by Marsha A. Goetting

(MT 9118HR).

This fact sheet includes financial discussion topics and successful strategies used by step- and blended families to resolve financial and emotional conflict.

This publication is on the MSU Extension Consumer Education page: http://www.montana.edu/wwwpb/pubs/coned.html

Family Matters: The Power of Attitudes
By Steve Duncan
MSU Extension Family and Human Development Specialist
 

Sportswriters still describe the 10,000-meter run at Tokyo in 1964 as one of the greatest upsets in Olympic history. Dramatically overtaking the two front-runners in the final yards, Billy Mills, a 26-year-old Marine lieutenant who grew up on the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation in South Dakota, set an Olympic record of 28 min. 24.04 sec. During the final lap he
was bumped and almost lost his balance. But he kept on. He became the only American to ever win the event after overcoming great personal disadvantages.  What does it take to accomplish well, despite seemingly insurmountable
odds? Part of the answer is in our attitude. 

Renowned psychologist William James said, "The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind." Author James Allen wrote: "Of all the beautiful truths pertaining to the soul... none is more gladdening or fruitful ...than this–that [humankind] is the master of thought, the molder of character, and maker and shaper of condition, environment, and destiny." Another anonymous author said it differently: "Sow a thought, reap an action. Sow
an action, reap a habit. Sow a habit, reap a character. Sow a character, reap a destiny."

If we accept the idea that thoughts are the seed bed of our eventual station in life, it's clear that we need to be careful about the thoughts we choose to hold, that they are consistent with what we desire our outcomes to be. Here are some ideas that can help. 

First, catch a personal vision. Having a personal vision and sense of mission is a powerful, motivating force in our lives. It is the "mountain top view" of people who have a long-term view of where they want to go and how to get there. Like a strong magnet, a sense of mission and personal vision has a way of drawing us to our envisioned outcomes, if we are committed and work to realize them. 

Spend some time envisioning your life mission. Write your diary in advance. One approach to doing this is to imagine a roast held in your honor, where friends, work associates, family members and others gather to sing your praises. Each has an opportunity to approach the microphone for comment. What would you like each one to say about you? About the kind of
person you are? About your character traits? About your accomplishments and contributions? Be specific in what you write.
Second, rid yourself of thoughts that present impediments to the accomplishment of your mission and vision. Your thoughts produce electrochemical responses within your body that can influence, for better or worse, your physical and psychological well being. It's important to think realistic, positive thoughts and have faith in those positive viewpoints and expectations.
Positive thoughts and attitudes aren't ways of covering up feelings or avoiding the harsh realities of life. Rather they are a constructive way of looking at life that can help us make the best of circumstances, positive or negative. There are several exercises that can help us do this. Positive self-talk. Sometimes our self-conversation is quite negative.

Instead, select a coin or large seed and a color that is common in your environment. Put the coin or seed in your shoe where you can feel it. Then select a positive self-message, such as "I am a wonderful, worthwhile person" or some other positive statement of your choice. Each time you see the color or feel the seed or coin, give yourself that positive message. It's like speaking sweet nothings to yourself! 

Renowned psychiatrist David Burns, in his book, Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, popularized another technique for combating distorted, twisted thinking. He states we sometimes have seemingly automatic negative thoughts or distortions. We need to uncover them when they occur and talk back to them using a "rational response." For example, we may have the automatic thought of "I never do anything right." Burns calls this distorted thought "overgeneralization," where we see "a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat." A rational response to this thought might be: "Nonsense! I do a lot of things right."  

A third way to promote positive thinking is reframing people and situations from negative to positive. For instance, a person we might categorize as "stubborn" or "stingy" might also be seen as "determined" or "thrifty." A situation viewed as a problem can be seen instead as an opportunity or a challenge. 

A fourth approach to positive thinking is to simply ponder the positive, suggested by my Kentucky Extension colleague Sam Quick. During moments of leisure, mentally say to yourself things like "I'm very fortunate to have good health, caring family members, and friends, and the freedom to do what I think is best." In more trying times you might think "In a way I actually
appreciate those people in my life who so effectively challenge my patience, kindness and self-control. Without them, how would I ever learn to grow in understanding, humility and endurance?" The idea is to begin to see all of life, even the difficult times, as a challenge, an opportunity and a blessing.

Family Matters: Listening With the Head and the Heart
By Steve Duncan
MSU Extension Family and Human Development Specialist

Many sounds in our world compete for our attention. As parents, sometimes life becomes so hectic that we fail to truly listen to others, especially those closest to us–such as our children.

I like the words of an anonymous author: 

A wise, old owl sat on an oak.
The more he saw, the less he spoke. 
The less he spoke, the more he heard.
Why can’t we all be like that bird? 

Real listening is one of the highest forms of human influence. It is a learned art, and requires an inner sensitivity that goes beyond understanding words alone to the feelings and real meanings of what is said. By truly listening, we are saying to our children: "You are a person of worth; I love you, respect you and want to understand you."

Unfortunately, we are often so eager to get our point across we don't pay enough attention to what is being said, or we interrupt the speaker with our own words.

Years ago I watched a movie called "Are You Listening." In one scene, a father was awakened in the middle of the night by loud music downstairs. He arose angrily and headed downstairs to find his teen-aged son slumped on the couch, oblivious to the volume of the music. Noticing his son, he stepped over to the stereo and switched it off. He then began a tirade where he rebuked his son for being up late, listening to foul music, placing himself at risk for bad grades and health, and every other
preachment. The son tried to explain himself but his overpowering father interrupted each time. 

How many times as parents do we make similar mistakes?

The goal of listening is to simply hear, understand and accept the other person's feelings and views. Parents need to set aside their lectures and opinions, and really strive to understand the point of view of their children.

While we are striving for understanding, we should avoid giving advice ("What you need to do is..."), talking about our own experiences instead of theirs ("That same thing happened to me when I was a kid), or making the child's concern seem unimportant ("Everyone feels that way once in a while"). 

A common strategy is the following.

• Give children full attention. Put aside lectures, reactions, feelings, perceptions and judgments. Eliminate distractions such as the newspaper, TV or radio. Parents must put themselves in their child's shoes and try with all their heart to see the world through his or her eyes. The attitude and spirit parents adopt is probably the most important aspect of listening. They can go through the outward motions of listening but not really be hearing anything without the proper attitude and spirit. 
  
• Physically, parents give children full attention by turning and leaning toward the child to show involvement and concern, and looking at the child, because emotions are often communicated through the eyes. Parents can better understand their child’s feelings by watching his or her eyes.
  
• Acknowledge the child's feeling. Sometimes we try to deny our children's feelings, give advice, judge and accuse. We try to get them to see or feel the way we do. As Haim Ginnott said, "Many people have been educated out of knowing what their feelings are." Parents need to acknowledge and respect a child's feelings and views. 
  
  For example, a child may return from school and say "The bus driver yelled at me and everybody laughed!" A parent might skirt the feeling and instead ask, "What did you do to make the bus driver so upset?" A better response might be: "That must have been embarrassing for you" or "I’ll bet that made you angry." After acknowledging the feeling, then the parent can help the child come up with solutions to avoiding future conflicts with the bus driver. 
  
• Some parents may feel that if they show understanding their kids will think that they think their bad behavior is okay. But showing understanding through acknowledging their feelings doesn't mean you agree with their behavior. It shows you care about their feelings. Children need to feel that they are understood first.
  
• Invite more discussion. Sometimes acknowledging a child with a simple "Oh...Mmm...I see." is enough to invite more discussion and, when coupled with a caring attitude, invites children to explore their own thoughts and feelings, and possibly come up with their own solutions.
  
• Show understanding by paraphrasing. This is the process of restating or reflecting (not parroting) what the other person has said. It can be especially useful when trying to help a person get to the heart of a problem.  Remember the father who blasted his son in the earlier example? In the movie, this same scenario was repeated, only this time the father tried first to understand his son. As the father entered the room, he calmed himself and noticed a disturbed look on his son's face. Instead of launching into lectures, he turned the stereo off and asked his son, "What’s going on?" The son at first hedged and said, "Dad, you don't want to hear this." But his father persisted. What followed was his son's outpouring of feelings and fears common for a young man his age. The time this father took helped to point his son in the right direction, in a way that lectures and commands never could.

Family Matters: Principles of Effective Time Management
By Steve Duncan
MSU Extension Family and Human Development Specialist

Everyone is given the same amount of time — 24 hours a day, 168 hours a week. But there is much variation among us as to how we use that time. Many of us are at wits end wondering how to get everything done and
still have a life.

Experts in this field emphasize five principles of effective time management. Applying these principles will enable us to accomplish goals and enrich our personal, family and work life.

• Principle #1. Get in Touch With Your Priorities. Take time to think about what is truly important to you. Time with loved ones? Your faith? Your education? A worthy cause? By taking time first to reflect on our deeply held priorities and values, we ensure that our lives will be focused on the things that matter most to us, rather than entangled in the things that matter least.
  
  How do we determine what's really important to us? One way is to contemplate how you would like to be remembered by others, and write these things down. Imagine yourself at an honorary banquet held in your honor at the sunset of your life. Several persons are scheduled to speak about you. What would you like them to say about you? What kind of friend, family member, coworker and citizen would you want them to say you were to them?
  
• Principle #2. Set Goals That Reflect Your Priorities. With your priorities in place, you are now in a position to set goals that help you fulfill them. Using your time to pursue goals that reflect your priorities has many benefits, including increased life satisfaction and less stress. Successful time management starts with writing down your goals, beginning with longer term goals (such as lifetime goals, followed by five-year goals and one-year goals) and moving down to shorter term goals (such as one month and one week goals). Goals should be specific, positive, realistic and
  measurable. Each goal needs an action plan. Goals can be made to reflect the different roles you play in your life (such as husband, father, worker, citizen, etc.) or along different life dimensions (family, work, leisure). The important thing is to find a system that works for you.
  
• Principle #3. Keep Track of Where Your Time Goes. In money management, people are encouraged to keep a financial diary to get an idea where their money goes. You can't change spending patterns until you know what they
  are! The same holds true for time. Do you ever find yourself saying something like, "Where did all the time go?" If we want to change how we use time to be more in line with our priorities, a first step is tracking how we spend it. Ideally, you would track your time spending habits for a week. Identify how you spend your time in areas such as time for self,
  family, friends, job, household work, church/community activities and sleep. Then identify how you would like to spend your time and list any changes you would like to make.
  
• Principle #4. Organize Your Time Around Your Priorities. With priorities and goals in place, you are in a position to schedule your time accordingly. Let's say that "Time with family" was listed as one of your major priorities and that your corresponding goal is to "Spend more time with family." How do we actually do that, given work and other pressures
  that clamor for our time? Begin by first deciding that family time is not negotiable. Then, with your planner in hand, schedule family time first, such as family nights, children's concerts, family outings, vacations and other things. Then work your other activities, as well as your employment, around your family time. 
  
• Principle #5. Review Your Plan Accordingly. A plan is like a road map; we need to check it periodically to see if we are still on course. Take time to ask yourself if you are still making progress on your plan. If not, what can you do differently? 
  

In their book titled "Lifebalance," Linda and Richard Erye recommend "Sunday Saw Sharpening." This involves setting aside 30 minutes during the first day of the week to think about our priorities, to ponder, to reassess and to jot down the goals and schedules for the week ahead. Don't begin this "Sunday Session" thinking about all the things you have to do. Instead, start by reminding yourself of your priorities and what you can do about them in the week ahead.

Fifty Ways to Leave Your Blues Behind
2/7/01

Hectic schedules, nagging responsibilities and gray skies may seem beyond your control, but a new Montana State University Extension publication advises to manage the stress in your life before it manages you. "50 Stress Busting Ideas for Your Well Being" is a laundry list of methods to help stress bundles snap out of their seasonal blues. It also suggests a smorgasbord of ways to make long-term changes in the way you perceive, combat or cope with the stresses in your life.

Where can you find the time you need? One strategy is to be more realistic in scheduling your time. When you are figuring how long a task will take to complete, don't forget to make allowances for interruptions and personal time. Are there too many items on your to-do list? One strategy is to do a little something. Look for a small job, complete it and give yourself credit without being overwhelmed by the big picture. Once you have succeeded with a little task like taking out the trash, mailing a letter or folding some clothes, you may be energized to tackle something bigger.

Other stress busting ideas range from ways to change the way you look at situations to building on your own strengths. Reading the funnies, telling jokes and envisioning humorous scenes in your imagination are great ways to pause and see things in a different light. Practicing tactful ways to say "No" and learning polite ways to explain that you need to postpone a favor until another time can help you succeed in keeping your task load under control. Spending a few minutes with a pen and paper to write a personal mission statement or to prioritize what is really important to you can help to lighten your mental load and tune your outlook toward the positive side.

Some of the information in this free fact sheet is plain common sense-just when you needed it most. For instance, it is easy to forget that nutrition, rest and exercise have an impact on stress level. This self-guided approach advises to identify a stressful situation in your life and then select an activity that you think would help. Give one of the ideas a try, and note the difference in your stress level.

"50 Stress Busting Ideas for Your Well Being," is a MontGuide fact sheet available on the Web at www.montana.edu/publications -- click on Home/Health and Family. Or, you can get a free paper copy from your local MSU Extension office. Ask for publication MT 2000-16.

Divorced Spouses Remain Co-parents
Sandy Bailey, Montana State University Extension Family and Human Development Specialist &
Montana Mediation Association
1/23/02

After divorce, children are members of two families and former spouses need to cooperate to make both homes supportive and secure for their children. Co-parenting skills are especially important, said Sandy Bailey, Montana State University Extension family and human development specialist.

In a new MontGuide fact sheet, "Co-Parenting After Divorce," Bailey offers information that may be helpful to parents who are going through divorce or have gone through divorce in the past and are looking for new ways to cooperate.

The bottom line in the four-page fact sheet is that children are generally better off when they are able to maintain the family relationships that were important to them prior to the divorce and when their parents are able to cooperate and be generally supportive of one another. That might not always be easy, but Bailey says that planning helps.

Even if they would prefer to avoid each other, parents need to develop a "limited partnership." The partnership needs to be clear, include both households, and be practical.

According to Maureen McInnis, a member of the Montana Mediation Association who operates a custodial mediation practice in Great Falls, the more parents can cooperate together the more they can stay in control of their parenting plan.

There are a variety of possible arrangements for a parenting plan and arrangements may need to change as the child gets older or if family situations change.

Sometimes the child lives with one parent and spends alternating weekends at the other parent's home. Some families alternate between the school year and school vacations. In other families, children move from one home to the other by splitting the week, a period of six months or the whole year.

On special occasions, some families split the day, some switch off year to year and some are able to have the parents come together and share the day with their children.

Different arrangements work for different families. Things to consider include the child's age and temperament, keeping life consistent for the child and keeping contact with both parents frequent.

There are many things to bear in mind when creating a healthy post-divorce environment, but the first thing on the list is to focus on your child's needs first, says Bailey.

She also acknowledges that cooperation may not be possible in every family. "If working with your former spouse is not possible, remaining in your child's life is still important. Some people do this through 'parallel parenting,' where they parent individually, but each continues to remain actively involved in their child's life."

Co-parenting classes are available in some communities, and in cases where cooperation is difficult, a mediator may be able to help facilitate differences between parents so that they can come to an agreement. For information on mediation resources, contact the Montana Mediation Association at (406) 522-0909. For a copy of "Co-Parenting after Divorce," (MT200111) or other parenting resources, contact Denise Seilstad, MSU Fergus County Extension Agent.